


Your Life Can Change in a Moment

by coloradoperson



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-08-19
Updated: 2012-08-21
Packaged: 2017-11-12 11:47:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/490556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coloradoperson/pseuds/coloradoperson
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <img/><p> <br/>Bella didn't like surprises. Her life was safe, predictable, and she knew what to expect until fate brought her breast cancer, and everything changed.  This is a story about love and hope because that's what life is all about.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One.  Now.

_They say you should write about what you know in your first story, and what I know is breast cancer.  This is my breast cancer journey and the journeys of the people I love - my mom, my sister and my friends, Bev and Barb - seen through the eyes of Bella and Edward._

_This dedicated to all of families who have been touched by cancer and their incredible courage, strength and spirit._

_Thank you to Momz for her pre-reading and the support that kept me going. Love you…_

_This all belongs to SM, not me._

 

_**Chapter One. Now.** _

_Dreams are like paper, they tear so easily. - Gilda Radner_   
**_\--------------------------------------------------------------------_ **

Life doesn't get any better than this, I thought, as I turned on the computer. It was perfect - coffee and Facebook on a rainy Saturday morning and no second graders. I love my kids and teaching, but molding the minds of young children can be exhausting, and I needed a break.

The first new post on my wall is from someone I never thought would be on Facebook - my Dad. He's a man of few words, and all he writes is 'morning' on my wall. In Charlie-speak, that means he loves me, misses me, and is proud I'm his daughter. He hates the internet, but he needs to do this. He needs to let me know these things every day in any way he can. This is what happens after your daughter has cancer. I tell him back and remind him to be safe when he's doing his Chief of Police thing.

There are ten posts from Mom. Renee is not a person of few words. She tells me she loves me, misses me, and is proud I'm her daughter after every post. She also needs to let me know these things every day in any way she can because of the cancer.

Jessica Stanley is eating blueberry waffles for breakfast.

A college classmate sent a friend request. I don't think I liked her, but I accept it anyway. What the hell.

It's snowing in Colorado, beautiful in Florida.

A friend from high school is going to take belly dancing classes.

My bitter divorced friend posted a depressing music video about a cheating husband. I guess she forgot she's the one who cheated.

My man reminds me he wants to go out to dinner tonight to celebrate our six month wedding anniversary. I type a happy face and tell him I love him.

My darling Angela, my breast cancer sister, leaves me two hearts. That's it, just two hearts. I speak back and leave her two hearts. We speak the same language, Angela and I. We are telling each other we have another day, another day to live, another day to love. We do this every day. When I see her hearts, I always whisper a thank you to whoever or whatever controls these things because she's still here, because my beautiful Angela is alive and healthy.

I looked at the sticky note on the computer and wondered why I bothered. It's not likely I would forget this appointment. All it says is THE MAMMOGRAM and the day and time. It's not an ordinary mammogram like I've been getting every three months and then every six months - it is THE mammogram, the one I've been waiting for. This is my victory mammogram, the one that will make me feel normal, be normal. If it's clear, I will officially be a breast cancer survivor, and I won't have to go back for a year, an entire year, 365 days, like a normal person. It's hard to explain why I'm so excited to have another mammogram - it's a breast cancer thing.

The rest of my day is filled with doing the simple things I love and appreciate so much more now. I updated my IPOD with the depressing, bitter cheating song and other unbitter music. I chatted with Angela, did some laundry and watched my favorite movie,  _Enchanted._ It's about fate, love and magical moments, and I believe in those things. I know they made the movie just for me. My husband thinks I'm crazy when I say that, and I texted him to tell him again just to make him laugh. He called to tell me he loves me and what time he'll be home, and hearing his voice reminded me again how lucky I am to have this man in my life.

Later, I pulled out an old picture from high school, the one I keep in my dresser drawer, the one I look at every now and then. It doesn't make sense to go back, but I do it anyway. I can't help myself.

Edward and those damn green eyes.

> _I met Edward Cullen one September day in high school when I was a junior, and he was a senior. He had moved to my little hometown of Forks, Washington the year before, but I never noticed him. My parent's divorce helped me to not notice anything that was going on around me as I closed myself off to the world until Edward walked into my life._
> 
> _He was behind me in the cafeteria line. I think I felt him first. There was some kind of weird electric thing drawing me in. I remember turning around and looking at him. That copper hair, those damn green eyes, that body - he was stunning. He literally took my breath away. We both reached for the last chocolate pudding, and when our hands touched, that was it for me. I guess he felt the same way because I walked away with a new boyfriend and the chocolate pudding._
> 
> _I never thought I was capable of feeling the love and trust I had for Edward. I loved his smile. I loved when he ran his fingers through his hair when he was frustrated or upset. I loved his beautiful face. He was kind, smart, understanding, and incredibly funny. He told me corny jokes to make me laugh and bought me silly presents. He helped heal me after my parent's divorce and made me believe in fate, love and magi cal moments. And he loved chocolate pudding almost as much as he loved me._
> 
> _We spent every minute we could together. His parents, Esme and Carlisle, welcomed me into their family with no hesitation and loved me like a daughter. Charlie acted like he was always annoyed by Edward, but I could tell he liked him. Renee loved everyone, especially Edward. She was just that kind of person, seeing the best in everyone, except my dad. She couldn't see anything good in my dad. Edward and his family - his sister, Alice, her boyfriend, Jasper, Edward's brother, Emmett, and his girlfriend, Rose - crashed into my life and made it complete. It was like we were pieces to the same puzzle. We all just fit._
> 
> _I felt like I was exactly where I belonged._
> 
> _It wasn't perfect. He was always tripping over the shoes I left everywhere and would throw them at me. He could be a cocky douche bag around his friends, pretending he was someone he wasn't, and it either pissed me off or hurt my feelings depending on the day and what bullshit he was handing out. I would get jealous and bitchy when the girls at school hung all over him. He would stand at the refrigerator and drink out of the carton and leave one tiny sip in it because he was too fucking lazy to throw it out. That drove me crazy. I hated my food touching on the plate and whined when it did. That drove him crazy. We definitely had our differences, but we worked them out. We always worked them out._
> 
> _Sex was the big problem. Or the lack of it, I should say. I said I was scared I would get pregnant. I said I was terrified Charlie would find out and castrate Edward. I made a lot of excuses, but the truth was I just wasn't ready, as much as I loved Edward. It's not like we didn't do anything. We spent many nights on the edge, almost there, so close, until I pushed him off me and said no. He was frustrated, and I was frustrated. I wanted it, he wanted it, and I felt like I was a huge disappointment to him. We both knew he could get what he wanted from any number of girls at school, but he never used that to pressure me. He used other things - like love and guilt - and always felt bad afterward. It was one big hormonal merry-go-round that drove us both crazy, but I believed there wasn't anything Edward and I couldn't work out. I knew we could hang on until I was ready._
> 
> _Edward graduated and was getting ready for his first year at the University of Washington in Seattle. He didn't want to leave me at first. He wanted to hold off a year so we could go together, but I told him to get a grip, that it was just a few months, and we'd be fine._
> 
> _It worked in the beginning. He came home on weekends, and when he couldn't, I went to him. Charlie wasn't too thrilled about that, but decided it wasn't a battle he wanted to have, mostly because he knew he would lose. He was pretty sweet about it, though, and checked my oil and tires before every trip even though he didn't want me to go. He thought he was being sneaky, but I knew._
> 
> _Edward lived with two brothers, Jake and James. He seemed so impressed by them, and I couldn't understand why. They were rich and spoiled and lived to party and fuck anything with a heartbeat. At first, they tried to flirt with me and charm me, and I couldn't help laughing every time they did. They were so disgustingly phony and shallow. After that, they didn't hide their dislike for me. I knew they gave Edward a hard time about me, but I tried to put up with them. I'll never understand why I did that, why I didn't tell him I was uncomfortable with his roommates. I just didn't. Maybe it was because he seemed so happy there. Edward felt grown-up and sophisticated, living with his two rich roommates in that beautiful condo overlooking Puget Sound, and I didn't feel threatened by that. I had an unwavering belief that his small town girlfriend would always fit into his life._
> 
> _As the months went by, though, I began to question that belief. Things were getting strange. Edward started drinking and partying with his roommates more and more. He didn't come home as much and became too busy for me to visit. He had to study, he said. I didn't believe him, and we fought. I felt him slipping away. I thought maybe we should have sex, that it would help. I was ready by then, but decided I didn't want to have sex just to hang on to Edward. I wanted it to happen because of love, not desperation._
> 
> _The night before my 18th birthday, Edward called to tell me he was having car trouble and couldn't come home. He didn't sound himself, but I thought he was just preoccupied with his car troubles. It didn't occur to me to question why he didn't ask me to drive to him._
> 
> _After a restless night with little sleep, I woke up way too early to a birthday I didn't want to celebrate without Edward, and decided to go to him. I thought being together would help us get through whatever it was we were going through. I thought maybe there would be no desperation, and we would have sex and become us again. I thought about calling him, but decided to surprise him. That's what I told myself, anyway. Looking back, I think I had other reasons for not calling him, like suspicion and needing to know the truth._
> 
> _The door to the condo was wide open, and I walked right in. Everything was quiet, and it looked like there was one hell of a party the night before. Something in the back of my head told me walking in was a bad idea, that I should just leave, but I ignored that voice. I told myself this was Edward, someone I knew as well as myself. I had nothing to worry about, I thought._
> 
> _I was so naïve, so stupid._
> 
> _I saw them as soon as I opened the door._
> 
> _This boy who I loved with everything in me, who I trusted more than I'd ever trusted another human being, was screwing another girl, and I had walked right into it._
> 
> _I stood there, looking at him on top of her._
> 
> _Edward turned his head to look at me, and I'll never forget his face. He was surprised alright._
> 
> _I whispered his name, all my heartbreak wrapped into that one word, and walked away from him, from us, from everything._
> 
> _This was the first time I learned your life can change in a moment._
> 
> _After, I did what I always do when I'm hurt - I closed myself off. I refused to see Edward. I wouldn't take his calls. I ripped up his notes and letters. I cut his family and friends out of my life and stopped believing in fate, love and magical moments. I blamed myself because I didn't have sex with him. I blamed his roommates. I blamed the blonde. I blamed him._
> 
> _I was devastated._
> 
> _When he finally left me alone, I thought I would be relieved. I guess I was in a way, but not seeing him at all just about broke me. I concentrated on school and work and hung on as best as I could until I could get the hell out of Forks. All I wanted to do was run, and that's exactly what I did when school was over. I didn't even stick around for graduation and told them to mail me my fucking diploma._
> 
> _I ran to my mom, to Phoenix. Being with her comforted my heart, and I decided to attend college there. Time and distance helped. The first two years were rough, but I forced myself to start to live again. I made friends. I had some fun and even dated. I finally had sex and cried afterward. I couldn't celebrate my birthday when it came around, and I refused to think about Edward._
> 
> _It was just my luck that the best teaching job I could find to apply for after graduation was in Seattle. I thought getting it was a long shot, but sometimes fate likes to fuck with me, and I was hired. I had mixed feelings about going back to Seattle, but I took the job and built a life. I knew what to expect. I made sure my life was comfortable and predictable because I didn't like surprises. I thought I was happy; at least, I told myself I was._
> 
> _I tried to find someone who made me feel the way Edward did, but didn't. I tried to love someone the way I loved Edward, but couldn't. Thinking about him was still unbelievably painful. In those rare moments I allowed those damn green eyes into my mind, I had to admit to myself I would never completely let go of Edward. I knew there would always be a soft whisper of need and want and love flowing through me for him._
> 
> _As the years went by, I was able to think about him again without that familiar overwhelming pain piercing my heart. I realized I had many regrets. I regretted letting go of his family so callously without explanation. I was sorry I shut Edward out so completely, that I was so unforgiving and didn't give him a chance. Edward was a good person. He was a young guy who got caught up in some shit and got in way over his head. He made a mistake that hurt me deeply, but he deserved for me to at least listen to him. I thought maybe we could have gotten through it if I had, but I wasn't sure._
> 
> _Somewhere along the line, I forgave him. I knew he would hate himself for what he did, but I hoped he was happy and able to put it all behind him. I came to terms with the regrets I had. I went on with my safe life and hoped I would find someone who touched me the way Edward did - someone I could love, someone who would help me believe in fate, love and magical moments again._

I put the picture back in my drawer along with all the memories of that time. My mister will be home soon, hungry as shit, and I needed to get ready.

He walks through the door an hour later.

My husband of six months still takes my breath away.

He looks at me and smiles.

"I missed you, baby."

And I run into his arms and say his name just to remind myself that this is real, that he is real, and that fate, love and magical moments really do exist.


	2. Chapter Two.  Now.

**_Chapter Two.   Now._ **

_Giselle:_ _Good morning, Robert. I hope you had wonderful dreams._

_Robert Philip:_ _I think I'm still in one._

_From the movie Enchanted  
_ ___________________________________________________

I laughed out loud when I read my wife's text message.

I call her, just to hear her voice.

"Hey, you.  I love you.  I'll be home at six.  And you do know you're crazy, right?"

"You think so," she asks, laughing. 

Bella has the most beautiful laugh I've ever heard.  She's happy, happy about everything and happy about nothing, and I plan to make sure she is always this happy.  I think she is most of the time.  We have our crappy moments.  I come home from work tired and crabby from the pressure and long hours, and she comes home impatient and snappy after dealing with a room full of second graders all day, but we work it out.  We always work it out.  If we know anything, we both absolutely know that life isn't perfect, that you get through the bad moments and cherish the good times. 

She's waiting for me when I walk through the door.

I look at her and smile because she always makes me smile.

"I missed you, baby."

And she runs into my arms and says my name like it holds every truth in the universe.  It blows me away, and I know how lucky I am to have this chance, to have this woman as my wife, to have someone as wonderful as my Bella love me as much as she does. 

She orders a lobster tail and a baked potato on separate plates for dinner, and I think we're safe from Bella throwing the plate at the poor server.  Not that I would care.  I love this craziness about her, and I'm glad to be here to witness it.  I'm glad to be anywhere with her.

We talk about how freaking early we have to get up for the Race for the Cure, and she tells me about the mammogram.

She is so unbelievably excited, and it makes me laugh.  Only Bella would be this excited about a mammogram.  Maybe not, though; maybe it's a breast cancer thing.

"I'll be normal," she tells me. "I won't have to go back for a year.  An entire year."

I want to tell her she already is normal, but she won't hear me.  This mammogram is what _she_ needs to feel normal, to officially be a breast cancer survivor instead of a breast cancer patient, and she won't feel normal until she is past it.  This is her milestone, her victory, and I will celebrate with her, but I won't be quite as excited as she is until I know it's clear.  I hold my breath after every mammogram, every test, until the results come in.  I know her chances of reoccurrence are very low, but I still worry. 

"Well, baby, I'd say this calls for champagne." 

I'm a little superstitious about celebrating too early, but I brush it away as we toast her victory, our future, and of course, fate, love and magical moments.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Judy  
> xoxoxo


	3. Chapter Three.  Then.

_**Chapter Three. Then.** _

_It's always something. - Gilda Radner  
_____________________________________

I found the lump in my left breast while I was taking a shower. I didn't know how long it had been there and thought it was some kind of cyst or huge pimple. It wasn't very big, and I decided to ignore it because that's what I do – I ignore things.

It seemed bigger and was a little tender a couple of months later, and I finally went in to have the doctor look at it.

She didn't seem too concerned because I was so young, but sent me for a mammogram anyway.

"Just in case," she said.

I was kind of annoyed. These things never turned out to be anything, and I had better things to do.

She sent me to the Breast Care Center. I was surprised. I never realized there were centers just for breasts. I heard terrible things about mammograms, but it wasn't as painful as I thought it would be, which was a good thing, because I had to have four of them. The radiologist kept asking for magnified views. After he looked at the last film, he decided he wanted a better look and sent me to the ultrasound room.

I was still annoyed. These things never turned out to be anything, and I had better things to do.

The technician was chatty and smiling while she was doing the ultrasound until she wasn't. At that moment, I knew something was wrong. I saw it in her eyes.

I stopped being annoyed and realized I didn't have anything better to do.

The radiologist reviewed the ultrasound films while I dressed. A nurse manager was waiting for me and led me to her office. I would forget her name after a few months, but I would always remember her compassion.

She sat down next to me and took my hand.

"Bella, you have breast cancer."

Once again, I learned your life can change in a moment. You don't have cancer one moment, and then you do in the next.

I just stared at her. I didn't know what to say. After a couple of minutes, I found my voice and told her I didn't believe her. She showed me the ultrasound and pointed out the tumor. I noticed it was no longer a 'lump'. It had been upgraded to something more important, more ominous - a tumor. It looked like a cumulus cloud with wispy edges.

"Couldn't this be something else," I asked her.

"No. This is what a breast cancer tumor looks like, Bella," she said. "Tumors that aren't malignant don't look like this. Their edges are smooth, not wispy, and they don't look like a cloud."

She said I should believe them because they knew.

The word 'malignant' was echoing in my head.

I still had to have a biopsy even though they knew. I guess they had to make their knowing official. I asked if there was a chance they would find out this wasn't breast cancer from the biopsy. Yes, she said, if it was something that looked exactly like a breast cancer tumor that no one had ever seen before.

She gave me a gentle hug and asked me to please believe them because they knew.

I had to see doctors to schedule surgery and radiation and maybe an oncologist for chemotherapy to poison the cancer out of me. That was a big maybe, though. Some good news, I thought. Maybe this wasn't my time to die.

She tried to reassure me.

"You found the tumor early, Bella. You are lucky, so lucky."

I didn't feel lucky.

I was 26 years old, and I had breast cancer.

How could anyone call me lucky?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading.
> 
> Judy  
> xoxoxo


	4. Chapter Four.  Then.

**_Chapter Four. Then._ **

_Having cancer gave me membership in an elite club that I'd rather not belong to._ _\- Gilda Radner  
___________________________________________________________________________________

After, I sat in my car. I didn't know what else to do. I didn't cry, and that surprised me. I thought I would cry, but I don't think I was ever calmer in my life than I was at that moment. I just sat there, staring out the window. People were walking in and out of the hospital, and life was going on all around me. Everything was normal, so normal, except it wasn't. I had cancer. My life had been safe, and I knew what to expect, but in a moment, everything changed; yet, nothing had changed. I didn't feel sick. I still had my life, my job, my home, and I was still me.

I wondered what people did after they found out they had cancer. Make hysterical calls to your family and friends? Go to Starbucks? Buy a new outfit? Punch a hole in the wall? I was completely lost. I'd never thought about getting cancer, and I'd never thought about not having a future.

I sat there for an hour and then simply drove home because I didn't know what else to do. I made dinner. I watched TV. I went to bed. I taught my kids the next day and made my medical appointments. I kept to myself and ignored all my phone calls and text messages. I refused to think about the cancer, and I felt like I couldn't breathe.

I went in for the biopsy. An ultrasound guided biopsy is what they called it. I was able to watch the procedure on the ultrasound screen and thought it would have been interesting if it wasn't my breast they were invading. They called me on the third day. I wanted them to tell me that it was all a mistake, that I wouldn't have to think about cancer, but they didn't. They knew. I had breast cancer.

I sat at my kitchen table for an hour, staring out the window. I honestly didn't know what else to do. I had spent the last eight years of my life insulating myself from anything messy or unpredictable, and had no idea how to face the messiest, most unpredictable thing life could throw at me. I didn't want to have cancer. I didn't want to think about cancer or deal with it. I just wanted to breathe again – that's all I wanted

I would have ignored it all for another day had I not noticed the flyer about the new breast cancer support group at the hospital on the kitchen counter. It was that night, in an hour. I'd never been to a support group or anything like it. The thought of sharing my story, even though I didn't have much of a story, scared me. That was something I wasn't very good at, sharing my pain. It was just easier to keep it to myself and get through it. I wondered if everyone would be sad and depressed. I thought maybe I would feel worse afterwards, that it might be a mistake to go. I thought of a hundred reasons to stay home, and didn't know why I walked out the door instead of just cooking dinner and going to bed. The only thing I knew was I couldn't just sit there, not breathing. Now, I know exactly what it was I needed, what it was I was trying to find. Hope. I was looking for some hope to hang on to.

I walked into the meeting room forty five minutes later. Someone was already there. Her back was turned to me. I saw copper hair, and when she turned around to look at me, I saw familiar green eyes, those damn green eyes.

There she was, standing right in front of me - Esme Cullen, Edward's mother.

I used to run scenarios through my head of what I would do and what I would say if I ever ran into Edward or his family, but in all the circumstances I imagined - at the airport, at the grocery store, at the diner in Forks - that was never one of them. Fate came to fuck with me again.

"Bella? Bella Swan? Is that really you?"

I stood there looking at her. I couldn't speak. I couldn't move. I thought she was in the wrong room or maybe I was.

"Bella, sweetie, I'm thrilled to see you, but what in the world are you doing here? This is a breast cancer..."

She saw the truth in my face and turned away when she cried. When she looked at me again, the love, understanding and compassion on her face told me all I needed to know.

I ran into her arms.

I didn't think about the past or the complications seeing her would bring; all I cared about was that moment. I knew I appeared weak and scared, desperate and lost, but I didn't care because I was all those things and more. I couldn't tell her how I felt. All I could do was hold on to her and cry, and she let me. She knew that was what I needed to do because she had already been there. She told me I wasn't alone. She told me I was stronger than I thought. She didn't tell me I would be okay because she didn't know that - no one did - but she told me she would always be there for me, and it was enough.

I felt like I could breathe again.

Esme was volunteering to facilitate the support group. She was a three-year breast cancer survivor and had just returned to Seattle after living in Colorado for five years. She started the group to pay forward the hope and comfort she received when she had cancer. Five other women walked into that room, all in different stages of breast cancer treatment. We were from all walks of life and all different ages. Everyone shared their stories. They were all different, but the same.

All my life, I wanted to believe in fate, love, and magical moments. There was a time I did and then I didn't, but in that room, on that night, I came to believe in those things again. I discovered them again as I sat with those six women, all strangers but one, who were facing their own mortality. As long as I live, I know I will never witness the grace, dignity and strength I saw that night.

I didn't expect a room full of women, bald, worn out, tired women, all of them scarred in one way or another by breast cancer, would be the most alive people I'd ever been with. I expected broken women. They were not. They were full of hope and possibility. I expected bitterness and self-pity. There was none. "Anyone can get cancer," they said, "why not me?" I expected anger, but they didn't have time for anger. They were too busy fighting, surviving, and cherishing life. They took each moment as it came. They got through the bad days, the days they cried, the days they were tired and overwhelmed and weren't sure if they could keep going, and they celebrated the good days. They put one foot in front of the other and did what they had to do to survive, to have more time, more life. I didn't expect anything about breast cancer to be funny, but I was wrong. They laughed about their funky shaped bald heads, their flat chests, crappy hospital food, and throwing up in inconvenient places. They also cried about those things, they told me. Their spirits were determined, and they chose to live every moment to the fullest instead of worrying about dying. When they did worry, it seemed like it was about someone else - their husband, their kids, their parents, a friend with cancer.

They were kind, generous and supportive to me and to one another. I was almost embarrassed to be there, I told them. I felt like I hadn't suffered enough, that I hadn't been through enough. They told me what I was going through, trying to come to terms with this breast cancer thing, was just as hard as any other part of the breast cancer journey, hard in a different way. I cried, and they cried with me. They remembered when they were where I was - newly diagnosed, scared, facing the unknown. They said it was probably harder for me because I was so young. Too young, they thought.

I met my lovely Angela that night. She was 38-years-old, married, and had two kids. She was the sickest and wasn't sure if she would survive. I saw the suffering in her eyes and yet, she was so peaceful and serene, so beautiful and loving, and so courageous and optimistic. She was wearing this crazy, beautiful scarf to hide her hair loss. It made her look spunky, defiant, like she was telling cancer, "Yeah, you might kick my ass in the long run, but not today. Today is mine." That was the essence of Angela. I loved her like a sister from the moment I met her and would continue to love her for the rest of my life.

When the meeting was over, Carlisle, Edward's dad, was waiting in the hall. They insisted on taking me to dinner. They didn't want to let me go once they had me again, they told me. They wanted to hear all about my life and told me about theirs - Colorado, Carlisle's new job at the hospital, and their new home. Alice married Jasper and lived in Portland. Emmett and Rose were also married. When I heard they lived in Seattle, I couldn't believe I never ran into them.

And then there it was - Edward, the elephant in the room. Esme told me he was a doctor and was coming back to Seattle to finish his residency at the hospital. God, I felt proud, so damn proud of Edward when I heard that until reality hit me. Of course he's coming back to Seattle to work at the same hospital where I'll be receiving my treatment, I thought; fate likes to fuck with me like this.

Being with the two of them felt so familiar, so comforting, and I realized how much I loved them and how much I had missed having them in my life. The regrets I thought I had come to terms with overwhelmed me. I started crying as I thought about how I had cut these wonderful people out of my life with no explanation and how much it must have hurt them.

Carlisle looked concerned as Esme put her arm around me.

"Sweetie, what's wrong?"

"I'm sorry. I didn't expect this. Being with the two of you is so overwhelming for me right now. I feel the love you both have for me, and I feel like a real shit about the way I turned my back on both of you. You surely didn't deserve that. I guess what I want to do, what I need to do, is apologize to both of you and tell you how much I regret hurting you."

"Bella, losing you was hard, but we understood. You were young and in pain and did what you needed to do to take care of yourself," Carlisle told me as he took my hand.

Esme kissed me on the cheek and gave me a hug.

"They way things worked out broke our hearts, Bella, but we're together again, and that's what counts. Believe me, we are not letting you go again."

I wiped away my tears and gave them both a hug. I saw forgiveness and understanding in their eyes, and it gave me more peace than my apology ever could.

As I drove home, I thought about the evening and the brave women I met. We started out as strangers, but we left as friends, linked to each other by breast cancer. They made breast cancer real for me, and I was able to accept that I was part of the club - the breast cancer club.

I knew I would have kept doing what I always did if I had not walked into that room, lost and afraid, and found hope and strength where I least expected to. Cancer was not a choice. Accepting it was not a choice. The only choice I had was  _how_  I would deal with it. It would have been easy, so easy, to isolate myself and feel cheated, angry and resentful as the moments of my life dissolved in front of me, but fate or whatever controlled those things brought me to that room, and everything changed. I changed. I knew I was stronger, that I was different. I left the part of me that craved the sanctuary of safety I had built into my existence behind. It wasn't real, and it didn't work – not when it came to cancer.

I learned how to be grateful that night. I learned how to be thankful for everything, for nothing, for my family and friends, for new friends who inspired me and old friends who still loved me, for all I took for granted and assumed would always be there, and for my life, especially for my life.

This was the magic those beautiful women gave to me.


	5. Chapter Five.  Then.

# 

_**Chapter Five.  Then.**  
  
Robert_ _:  [after Giselle has bitten into the poisoned apple] Please, don't leave me._

_From the movie Enchanted  
__________________________________________________________________________

It was my last day at the hospital.  All I could think about was getting the hell out of there and leaving behind the crying kids, drunks throwing up on me, broken bones, and blood.  I was anxious to get to the cabin I had rented for a week - one solid week of doing nothing except sleeping, reading and relaxing - before I moved back to Seattle.

I had a few minutes and ran down to the cafeteria for a snack. I looked at cake, pie, ice cream, fruit and chips.  I tried so damn hard not to look at _, b_ ut there _it_ was, right in front of me where I couldn't possibly avoid seeing it - pudding, fucking chocolate pudding.  I loved chocolate pudding.  I always did. I ate a ton of it when I as a kid, but I couldn’t look at, much less eat it.  It was ridiculous and stupid, but I couldn't help it.  It reminded me too much of falling in love with Bella and how I fucked it all up.

> _I met Bella Swan when I was a senior, and she was a junior._
> 
> _I was standing in line behind her in the cafeteria.  I had this crazy feeling, standing there, like something was pulling me in.  She turned around suddenly to look at me, and I knew I'd never seen anyone more beautiful.   When we both reached for the last chocolate pudding, I touched her hand, and I knew.  I really wasn't looking for a girlfriend, but there she was, walking away with my heart and my chocolate pudding._
> 
> _I fell head over heels in love with that girl.   She was smart and sweet and so damn funny.  She loved cooking for me.  She called me on my shit.  She wasn't a pushover, and when she believed she was right, she would not let it go.  I loved that for some reason.  I had never looked at stubbornness as a positive trait, but I did with her.  She was beautiful, especially when she blushed, and smelled like strawberries.  Her eyes were these deep brown pools of kindness and love, and her hair was a beautiful brown color with mahogany running through it.  When I met her, she was struggling with her parent’s divorce, but I think talking to me about it helped her, and she seemed to be working it out.  I learned the hard way that the first reaction she had when she was hurt was to close herself off.  It drove me crazy when she cut me off like that, but I let her have her space until she was ready to talk, and we worked it out.   We always worked it out.  She had this thing about fate, love and magical moments, like we were in some fucking Disney movie or fairy tale.  I made her believe in those things, she told me.  I usually just rolled my eyes when she said that and never admitted she was right.  That would come later, much later._
> 
> _It wasn’t all wonderful – sometimes we just annoyed the shit out of each other.  I was always tripping over the shoes she left everywhere and thought for sure she was trying to kill me.   I was an asshole sometimes and hurt her feelings.  She said it was because I let my friends influence me too much, but I thought that was bullshit.  I was my own man, I told her.  She got jealous and bitched about those nitwit girls who tried to get my attention.  She hated when I drank from the carton and left a little sip in it so I didn't have to throw it out.  I thought it was hilarious and did it more just to aggravate her.  She hated when the food touched on her plate and that crazy phobia drove me nuts.  There were times I wanted to crawl under the table when she bitched at the poor server for bringing her food to her on one plate.  I blamed her mom for this craziness, thinking she must have just globbed her food all together in one big pile when she was a kid and traumatized her for life.  I asked Renee about it once, and she denied it, but you never knew with Renee, she was kind of whacky._
> 
> _Sex didn't go the way I thought it would.  She just wasn't ready, which was a major, major disappointment to me at first.  I was actually depressed over that shit for days.  It wasn't a deal breaker for me, though.  We did a lot of other things that were sexy and fun and made me feel close to her, and that was good enough for me.  Bella worried about it a lot more than I did.  She thought she was a disappointment to me, but she wasn't.  I won't say it wasn't hard to deal with, because it was.  I was usually pretty good about it, but I have to admit I played dirty sometimes and tried to guilt her into it and always felt like crap afterwards.  We both knew I could have gotten it from any number of girls at school, but that wasn't what I wanted.  I loved Bella, and I was willing to wait._
> 
> _After I graduated, my plan was to attend college in Seattle.  I was excited about it, but I had mixed feelings about leaving Bella.  I wanted to postpone college until we could go together, but she talked me out of it.  We’ll be fine, she said._
> 
> _She found a few apartments and condos for me to look at, and I settled on a condo I thought would work. The place was amazing, the price was right, and the area was exactly where I wanted to live. The two guys who lived there were brothers, and their dad bought them the place.  Jake and James were rich, really rich.  My family had money, but nothing like those guys.  They were 'my dad is the CEO of a major multi-national corporation' rich.  They were two years older than me, had definitely lived the life of the rich and famous, and I was pretty damn impressed by them. They sure as hell didn't need a roommate to cover expenses, and I never could figure out why they rented out that third bedroom._
> 
> _Jake and James loved to party, and there was something going on at the condo almost every night. Their world was definitely not mine. It's not like we never drank and partied in Forks, because we did, but not like that and not every night.  At first, I kept to myself, drinking a few beers with them occasionally, and spent all my free time with Bella. I went home or she drove to Seattle when she wasn't working.  I was amazed Charlie gave in on that one, but he really didn’t have much of a choice.  She didn't like my roommates, and we did our own thing and stuck to the bedroom when she stayed at the condo.  As the weeks went by, my roommates started giving me shit about being pussy whipped.  At first, they joked about it, but gradually, the joking stopped, and it was apparent how much they disliked Bella.  They called her 'The Little Princess' and did everything they could to make her uncomfortable when she was there.  I should have put a stop to it right then and there or moved, but I didn't._
> 
> _Before I knew it, I was drinking and partying with them almost every night.  It was the first time in my life I had so much freedom, and I slipped right into their lifestyle.  I was definitely wrong about that 'being my own man' thing.  I didn't have time for Bella, I was hardly studying, and my life was spinning out of control, but I didn't notice – I was way too busy partying._
> 
> _There were always women, lots of different women, hanging out at the condo, and I think my roommates had a different woman in their beds every night.  Most of them made it clear they were ready for me whenever I wanted them, but I had no interest.  No matter how much I was partying, no matter how much I was fucking up, I was still completely in love with Bella and didn't want anyone else.  Of course, Jake and James gave me more shit for this.  Man up and quit being so pussy whipped, they told me.  According to them, it was just fucking and had nothing to do with my love for Bella._
> 
> _Bella's birthday was coming up, and I planned to drive to Forks to spend it with her.  I felt terrible about how crappy things were between us and wanted to make it right.  My roommates started talking about the epic party they were going to have and wanted me to stay, but I told them there was no way I would miss Bella's birthday.  That pissed them off, and they were on my ass relentlessly trying to convince me to stay in Seattle.  I thought I was way past giving into peer pressure, but I guess I wasn't because I called Bella and told her I was having car trouble and couldn't make it home.  I tried to ignore the disappointment in her voice and the person I'd become.  I was surprised how much easier lying to her was getting and how good of a liar I was.  I knew I was a douche bag, but then the party started, and I got way too drunk to think about it._
> 
> _I have no idea how I ended up in bed with that stranger early in the morning on Bella's birthday of all days, but there I was.  I had sobered up a bit and knew I should have stopped, but I didn't. The blonde was there, and I was horny.  Somewhere in the back of my mind I thought Bella would never find out, and we would be okay.  It wasn't like that stranger in my bed meant anything to me – I didn't even know her name.  It was just sex and had nothing to do with my love for Bella.  Those were the excuses I used until Bella walked through the door, and I had no excuse._
> 
> _I will never forget turning my head while I was on top of this nameless person, inside of her, and seeing Bella's face.  I knew I would never see anyone so hurt, shattered, and betrayed.  At that moment, I saw every bit of the trust and faith she had for me disappear, and I literally wanted to die.  She didn't say anything.  She just stood there, looking at me.   When she said my name, the pain in her voice told me everything.  I watched all that mattered to me vanish as she quietly went out the same door she came in and walked out of my life._
> 
> _I ran after her, but she just drove away.  The stranger was leaving when I walked back into the condo.  She didn’t look at me or say goodbye when she walked past me.  I think she felt bad - not for me, but for Bella. I went to the kitchen for some water, and heard my roommates in the living room with a couple of their nameless women.  They didn't see me. They must have heard or figured out what happened because the four of them were laughing about how they kept pushing me to nail the blonde and finally got me to take her to bed.  It would have been enough for them to see me cheat on Bella, but her walking in on it was an added bonus for them.  They laughed about the Little Princess who thought she was better than them finally getting what she deserved, and I wondered what had impressed me about those motherfuckers.  I realized then why they hated her.  It was so clear to me.  Bella knew who they were, what they were.  She knew they were shit, and deep down inside they knew it too._
> 
> _I thought about killing them or beating the shit out of them at the very least, but instead I went back to my bedroom, packed up my crap, and moved to a hotel.   I sat in that hotel room all night, trying to make sense of what happened.  I found no answers and knew only one thing - I needed to go to Bella; everything else could wait._
> 
> _I knew exactly what Bella was going to do.  I knew she would cut me off, but I never expected her to do it so completely.  I went to her house.  I left notes on her truck, begging her to see me. I waited at the school for her.  I waited where she worked. When she saw me, she refused to talk to me and just drove away._
> 
> _I finally had to tell my family what happened because she cut them off as completely as she did me, and they needed to know why.  Alice lost it and slapped me in the face. My mom started crying and walked out of the room.  I thought Emmett and Jasper were going to kill me. My dad couldn't look at me at all.  Even Rose looked like she wanted to punch me. I didn't blame them for the way they reacted because I knew they loved her, and they lost her too._
> 
> _After a week, Charlie tracked me down, threatening to either arrest me for stalking her or shoot me.  I was crazy by that time and needed to get control of myself.  I didn't know what else to do so I went back to Seattle.  I thought if I gave her space and more time, she would surely let me in.  I found a new place to live, wrote her a letter every day, and went back to Forks on the weekends._
> 
> _I did this for four months, knowing I didn't deserve her time, but hoping she would give it to me anyway._
> 
> _She didn't._
> 
> _I think I would have gone on forever, but I had to stop for her.  I knew without a doubt she still loved me - I could see it in her face – but she was done, trying to move on and pull herself together.  All I was doing was breaking her and hurting every time she saw me.  If I needed anything, I needed Bella to be whole again.  To do this, she needed me to leave her alone so I simply stopped - the calls, the letters, trying to see her - and gave her what she needed._
> 
> _I was so fucking lost by then. I couldn't go back to Forks because of Bella, and things were still strained with my family.  I was full of self-loathing and couldn't get past it.  I managed to stay in school, which was an enormous miracle because I spent a lot of time drinking myself into oblivion.   I just studied and drank for six months until my dad and brother showed up one night and threw my drunk ass into the shower, clothes and all.  I remember standing there, shivering, wondering how the fuck I got there.  When they thought I'd had enough, they took me out and threw me some dry clothes.  Once I was dressed, I sat down on the couch waiting for a bunch of shit from them, but they didn't say a word._
> 
> _I looked at my life and cried for the first time since Bella left me, sitting there on that couch.  I cried for what I had done, for all that I lost, and all I would never have, and my dad and brother let me.  When I was done, they told me they loved me and left. There wasn't anything they could say to make me feel better.  They knew I had to figure things out on my own._
> 
> _I sat there for a long time, wondering what I should do next. I wished for one of those moments that some people supposedly have when all the answers come instantly and life makes sense again, but it didn't come.  I knew my life wasn't going to magically fix itself.  The only magic that would do that was Bella walking back into my life, and that shit wasn't going to happen, not after what I did.  I was down to two choices – keep going the way I was going and destroy my life or find some way to live with myself and the mistakes I made.  I had no idea how to live with myself so I did the only thing I knew how to do - I put one foot in front of the other and walked back into my life._
> 
> _It wasn't easy. I quit drinking and thought life would be better, but it was worse.  I was feeling for the first time in almost a year, and the loss of Bella hit me like a ton of bricks.  All I wanted to do was drink myself to a place where there was no pain.  I was surprised by how it took me over, physically and emotionally.  There were days I had to take it minute by minute because missing her was overwhelming.  I thought about our time together, her brown eyes, her laugh, and the crazy shit with her food. I thought about her face when she looked at me with such complete trust and so much love.  I thought about all that fate, love and magical moments stuff she loved and hoped she still believed in it, that I didn't destroy that part of her.  I wondered if she was okay and if she ever thought of me, and I hoped someone loved her the way she deserved to be loved, the way I didn't._
> 
> _I threw myself into school and studying, and I think that was the only thing that kept me sane.  I still couldn't go to Forks so my family came to me. I tried to explain what happened, how I got caught up in all that shit with my roommates, but it sounded like I was making excuses.  I finally just said I made a mistake, a huge mistake, and it was something I would hate myself for as long as I lived.  It was simple, honest and sincere, and they understood and forgave me.  I was glad for that even though it wasn't enough to ease my regret._
> 
> _One night, my parents told me she had left town, and I cried._
> 
> _I was kicking ass in school.  I went in as a pre-med student, mainly because my dad was a doctor, and I wasn't sure if the medical school route was really what I wanted.  As soon as I started thinking about my future, I felt guilty, like I was getting over what I did to Bella, or it somehow didn't matter even though it did.  How long should I punish myself, I wondered?  Did it mean I didn't care if I allowed myself to build a life and find some happiness?  I struggled with that for days until I thought about what Bella would tell me.  I knew what kind of a person she was, and I knew exactly what she would say.  She would tell me to forgive myself, to get on with my life, that everyone makes mistakes.  I couldn't picture her telling me she forgave me, not after what I did, but I knew she would want the best for me no matter what because that's who she was. This is the magic Bella gave me that night, and I figured she would always do that for me whether I was with her or not.  Instead of hating   myself for losing her, I forgave myself and thanked fate or whatever brought her to me for having that wonderful girl in my life for the time that I did._
> 
> _It set me free - or so I thought._
> 
> _I started to live again. Eventually, I dated, but no one ever interested me for long - wrong color eyes, wrong color hair, wrong laugh, and eating out with them was way too normal and boring.  I finally had sex out of sheer horniness and felt like shit afterwards.  I moved to Chicago to start medical school and a new life.  The years went by, and my life was happy and fulfilled, but it somehow felt incomplete.  I kind of resolved myself to being alone and blamed medical school and then my residency, but I knew I was making excuses.  It was Bella.  It was always Bella.  There wasn't a day I didn't think of her in some way – seeing someone with the same color hair, hearing a similar laugh, or hearing something I knew she would think was hilarious.  There was always something to remind me of her._

 

As I was driving back to Chicago, I called my mom to let her know I'd be in Seattle in a few days and to find out how the breast cancer support group went.  I knew it meant a lot to her.

"Hey, Mom, what's up?"

I heard her take a deep breath before she answered.

"Edward, I was hoping you would call soon."

"Yeah, I'm just leaving the cabin and wanted to let you know I'll be in Seattle in a few days . I also wanted to find out how your support group went."

She didn't say anything.

"Mom, are you there?"

It sounded like she was crying, but I couldn't imagine why and thought it was just a bad connection.

"The group was wonderful, Edward.  All that I thought it would be and much, much more."

She hesitated before she spoke again.

"Edward, a young woman came, only 26 years old.  She was just diagnosed with breast cancer a few days before."

She _was_ crying. I didn't understand why she was so upset when she wasn't that upset over her own cancer diagnosis.

"I'm so sorry, Mom.  That's too damn young to have to deal with cancer.  I hope she's going to be okay."

"Edward, I've been thinking about how I would tell you this. It's...I..I don't know how to say this."

"Mom, it's okay.  Calm down, and please stop crying.  Just tell me."

"The young woman… Edward… she... who just found out she has cancer...  It's Bella, Edward. It's Bella."

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Judy  
> xoxoxo


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